i dont know i never had to hide before because everyone knew and here nobody knows and i was so excited i thought it would be so much better but im suffocating im a liar
[he wants to tell her; you get used to it, because he doesn't know how she's been able to function without lying and hiding through most of her day, without cringing and gritting her teeth against everything, like he does]
[(maybe it was different when you didn't have to talk, maybe it was easier -- but he doubt it's that. if Nill could sing, she'd sing true things just the same)]
[there is nothing he can say here that makes sense; do you want them to know you? do you want to become a liar? i could teach you how to hide, i could teach you how to lie]
[ a dry sob, clenching, characteristically quiet and quickly restrained.
he knows more of her than anyone here, and he doesn't think she's ruined. it's good. it means the world, and it's good. just like it's good that nobody knows her skin crawls when she walks past an alleyway, that she keeps her nails trimmed short to avoid finding seeping red crescent-moons on her skin after a night of bad dreams.
it's good, but it's horrid.
her best friend doesn't know her, and she doesn't want him to ]
sorry
[ i'm not brave enough to let you see the rest of me ]
[she's apologising for what he doesn't know, he assumes; that's fine, even for the kid brother of a journalist. it's just fine (every time he'd learned something about someone on the street, he'd regretted it)]
[but it's different with her, and it's not that he doesn't he want to know her (where those bruises on her neck came from, where the bruises on her smile came from). it's, somehow and bizarrely, nothing to do with prying; she'll tell him when she's ready to face it head on. or never at all, and either is just fucking fine]
whatever i just like being w/ u
[it's the barest of bones, it's clumsy and stupid, and it's not what Dave would have said; still, it's what he has (all he has) to tell her he cares. cares more than he ever expected to, more than he has before for someone without red hair and a cocky hell or high water grin (it had ended up being hell; the drowning is taking a long time)]
the weight that lifts is one she didn't even know she was carrying, because she already has lied to him, and permission— permission frees her. a little bit of unrelated tension falls from her shoulders.
whatever i just like being w/ u
registers second, and calms her down. all of her or not, he'll wait. he knows enough. ]
im okay
[ an acknowledgement of his offer (neither of them are okay) and a denial of it (but i'm not planning to)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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aint that fucked up
they know what its like
from both of us
she asked me if i got sold
she could ask u
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i dont want to answer because im asked
i want to give it to her
i want them to know
i appreciate them enough
to do that
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u think ur telling just them but
soon every1 knows n thinks other shit about u
u got no more handle on it
i dont trust her
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she means well but
she hurts a lot too
because she takes in too much
so she needs shoulders to lean on sometimes
i dont think shed share it
where it could hurt me though
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hurts enough by itself
its not her life
n u aint owe her nothing
i told the wrong guy
he never told any1
but i regret it a lot
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decide to tell?
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it was a mistake
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but they wont get it
theyll ask u about it after
when u dont wanna talk about it
theyll act like ur just
another fucked up kid
they think im fucked up
it makes carol n me
fight all the time
it makes sakamoto drink
its not my fault or theirs
but it happens
itll happen w/ u
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i know how to manage it but
im still ruined
anyway they wont know any better
unless i let them know me
and they cant know me
if i dont tell them where i started
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i never had to hide before because
everyone knew
and here nobody knows and
i was so excited
i thought it would be so much better
but im suffocating
im a liar
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[(maybe it was different when you didn't have to talk, maybe it was easier -- but he doubt it's that. if Nill could sing, she'd sing true things just the same)]
[there is nothing he can say here that makes sense; do you want them to know you? do you want to become a liar? i could teach you how to hide, i could teach you how to lie]
i dont think ur ruined
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he knows more of her than anyone here, and he doesn't think she's ruined. it's good. it means the world, and it's good. just like it's good that nobody knows her skin crawls when she walks past an alleyway, that she keeps her nails trimmed short to avoid finding seeping red crescent-moons on her skin after a night of bad dreams.
it's good, but it's horrid.
her best friend doesn't know her, and she doesn't want him to ]
sorry
[ i'm not brave enough to let you see the rest of me ]
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[but it's different with her, and it's not that he doesn't he want to know her (where those bruises on her neck came from, where the bruises on her smile came from). it's, somehow and bizarrely, nothing to do with prying; she'll tell him when she's ready to face it head on. or never at all, and either is just fucking fine]
whatever
i just like
being w/ u
[it's the barest of bones, it's clumsy and stupid, and it's not what Dave would have said; still, it's what he has (all he has) to tell her he cares. cares more than he ever expected to, more than he has before for someone without red hair and a cocky hell or high water grin (it had ended up being hell; the drowning is taking a long time)]
u can lie 2 me
if u want
i dont mind
Re: text
if u want
i dont mind
the weight that lifts is one she didn't even know she was carrying, because she already has lied to him, and permission— permission frees her. a little bit of unrelated tension falls from her shoulders.
whatever
i just like
being w/ u
registers second, and calms her down. all of her or not, he'll wait. he knows enough. ]
im okay
[ an acknowledgement of his offer (neither of them are okay) and a denial of it (but i'm not planning to)
she's grateful ]
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its fine
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i think its different
[a few minutes pass, as he tries to make the sentiment come out correctly]
i lie 2 every1
all the time all day
do u ever get tired
of being honest ?
Re: text
i dont mind telling the truth
as long as its just u
its kind of a relief
sometimes
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okay
we can box our secrets together
truth and lies
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