i dont know i never had to hide before because everyone knew and here nobody knows and i was so excited i thought it would be so much better but im suffocating im a liar
[he wants to tell her; you get used to it, because he doesn't know how she's been able to function without lying and hiding through most of her day, without cringing and gritting her teeth against everything, like he does]
[(maybe it was different when you didn't have to talk, maybe it was easier -- but he doubt it's that. if Nill could sing, she'd sing true things just the same)]
[there is nothing he can say here that makes sense; do you want them to know you? do you want to become a liar? i could teach you how to hide, i could teach you how to lie]
[ a dry sob, clenching, characteristically quiet and quickly restrained.
he knows more of her than anyone here, and he doesn't think she's ruined. it's good. it means the world, and it's good. just like it's good that nobody knows her skin crawls when she walks past an alleyway, that she keeps her nails trimmed short to avoid finding seeping red crescent-moons on her skin after a night of bad dreams.
it's good, but it's horrid.
her best friend doesn't know her, and she doesn't want him to ]
sorry
[ i'm not brave enough to let you see the rest of me ]
[she's so brave, it should make him feel like shit. sometimes, it does. mostly, he can't believe someone like this -- someone like her -- actually exists]
[it means different things for them, to face what's haunting them head on. it doesn't make it less terrifying (Badou wants guts, Nill wants love -- both such frightening prospects)]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: text
i dont know i feel like
they give me a lot
and i give them nothing
i want to trust them
with it
thats the biggest thing i can give them
Re: text
aint that fucked up
they know what its like
from both of us
she asked me if i got sold
she could ask u
Re: text
i dont want to answer because im asked
i want to give it to her
i want them to know
i appreciate them enough
to do that
Re: text
u think ur telling just them but
soon every1 knows n thinks other shit about u
u got no more handle on it
i dont trust her
Re: text
she means well but
she hurts a lot too
because she takes in too much
so she needs shoulders to lean on sometimes
i dont think shed share it
where it could hurt me though
Re: text
hurts enough by itself
its not her life
n u aint owe her nothing
i told the wrong guy
he never told any1
but i regret it a lot
Re: text
decide to tell?
Re: text
it was a mistake
Re: text
Re: text
but they wont get it
theyll ask u about it after
when u dont wanna talk about it
theyll act like ur just
another fucked up kid
they think im fucked up
it makes carol n me
fight all the time
it makes sakamoto drink
its not my fault or theirs
but it happens
itll happen w/ u
Re: text
i know how to manage it but
im still ruined
anyway they wont know any better
unless i let them know me
and they cant know me
if i dont tell them where i started
Re: text
i never had to hide before because
everyone knew
and here nobody knows and
i was so excited
i thought it would be so much better
but im suffocating
im a liar
Re: text
[(maybe it was different when you didn't have to talk, maybe it was easier -- but he doubt it's that. if Nill could sing, she'd sing true things just the same)]
[there is nothing he can say here that makes sense; do you want them to know you? do you want to become a liar? i could teach you how to hide, i could teach you how to lie]
i dont think ur ruined
Re: text
he knows more of her than anyone here, and he doesn't think she's ruined. it's good. it means the world, and it's good. just like it's good that nobody knows her skin crawls when she walks past an alleyway, that she keeps her nails trimmed short to avoid finding seeping red crescent-moons on her skin after a night of bad dreams.
it's good, but it's horrid.
her best friend doesn't know her, and she doesn't want him to ]
sorry
[ i'm not brave enough to let you see the rest of me ]
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
they aint made the effort to care about
Re: text
its that they know
how things are
and sometimes its best
not to ask
Re: text
not to tell sometimes
i dont know
Re: text
i dont know how long to run away from it
Re: text
i know ur brave n shit
n care about living n ppl
but its not gonna go away
[he thinks about Takasugi.]
if u tell some1
it catches up
do u want that ?
Re: text
so i dont want to be running
all my life
no
[ but i'm better at knowing safe places than you are ]
Re: text
is there
if u dont wanna keep running
or let it catch up
u cant have both
Re: text
head on
on my own terms
i dont want it to catch me
when im not ready
but meeting it
that might not be so bad
Re: text
[it means different things for them, to face what's haunting them head on. it doesn't make it less terrifying (Badou wants guts, Nill wants love -- both such frightening prospects)]
do u think ur ready
Re: text
but in the end i wont know until i try
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text
Re: text