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[it hurts. carol has known so many kinds of pain, but it's hard to find one to compare this to -- burning up from the inside out, maybe, her body doing all of it to itself and her being powerless to stop it. because badou never asked for her to care so much, never invited any of it in. what she's feeling right now is coming from her, not from him, but there's nothing she can do about it.
her face betrays her just as badly as his does, hurt and angry and awful, and for a moment she looks (feels) like she might haul off and slap him across the face, but she doesn't.]
Not you. I knew that already.
[carol doesn't want to let him go, she wants to keep him here and make him understand. it's pointless, though, isn't it? he won't. he'll just keep fighting her. so she gets up too, releasing her grip on him, turning away, a hand coming up to her face.
stupid. this was stupid.]
her face betrays her just as badly as his does, hurt and angry and awful, and for a moment she looks (feels) like she might haul off and slap him across the face, but she doesn't.]
Not you. I knew that already.
[carol doesn't want to let him go, she wants to keep him here and make him understand. it's pointless, though, isn't it? he won't. he'll just keep fighting her. so she gets up too, releasing her grip on him, turning away, a hand coming up to her face.
stupid. this was stupid.]
[he doesn't expect to be released so easily (Badou expects nothing to come easily, absolutely nothing), so red sneakers stutter an extra step down on the church steps with the force of his drag away. at least, he doesn't fall, at least he doesn't eat pavement (at least features a lot Badou's life)]
[the broken look on her face doesn't hurt him, like it should, but it does stop him long enough for more words to fight out of teeth that want to trap them inside]
Ya wanna fight the goddamn Underground? Ya wanna fight the fucking Below? Surprise of the fuckin' year, you ain't the only one. But you? Ain't lost a single goddamn thing to it. You ain't lost your voice or your eye or your fucking family. Fuck you for thinkin' you got a single goddamn say in whether I try ta get anything back, fucking rip that place to shreds, or get ripped ta shreds my fucking self.
[another drag on the cigarette, short and deep, making embers flare, and he drops the stub to the pavement, grinding it under his sneaker like he usually grinds her concern]
If ya wanna help, if you're so goddamn set on it, crack open the Landlord's head for me, an' get me the fuck outta here, an' away from shithead hypocrites like you.
[the broken look on her face doesn't hurt him, like it should, but it does stop him long enough for more words to fight out of teeth that want to trap them inside]
Ya wanna fight the goddamn Underground? Ya wanna fight the fucking Below? Surprise of the fuckin' year, you ain't the only one. But you? Ain't lost a single goddamn thing to it. You ain't lost your voice or your eye or your fucking family. Fuck you for thinkin' you got a single goddamn say in whether I try ta get anything back, fucking rip that place to shreds, or get ripped ta shreds my fucking self.
[another drag on the cigarette, short and deep, making embers flare, and he drops the stub to the pavement, grinding it under his sneaker like he usually grinds her concern]
If ya wanna help, if you're so goddamn set on it, crack open the Landlord's head for me, an' get me the fuck outta here, an' away from shithead hypocrites like you.
[she's furious and miserable and shattered, she's shaking with it, but she keeps her back turned on him now, lets his words fall on her and weigh her shoulders down even more until it feels like they might snap under the pressure. but she can take it. she can.
(can she? really?)
carol has never been good at knowing when to run away, or knowing how, but right now she wants to. she doesn't know what else to do.]
Fine.
[there's no heat to it anymore. every tense muscle slumps, and she starts to walk away.]
(can she? really?)
carol has never been good at knowing when to run away, or knowing how, but right now she wants to. she doesn't know what else to do.]
Fine.
[there's no heat to it anymore. every tense muscle slumps, and she starts to walk away.]
( there's a long time gap, between heine's last text and the next--but he's curious, wants to know, and even if badou seems to have problems keeping his mouth shut he'd rather ask him than, well, anyone else he's met here. )
the cards we were given here
have a dob
carol told lily
it was our date of births
its the same on lilys giovannis and mine
the cards we were given here
have a dob
carol told lily
it was our date of births
its the same on lilys giovannis and mine
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Page 95 of 156